I contemplated writing this. I contemplated what the title should be even more. I contemplated adding a photo. I couldn’t think anymore so I moved on.
I hate complaining when I know that my problems are laughable in comparison to those who have real struggles. But I would like to think of this blog as a place for me to share my experiences with anyone who is willing to listen and maybe, just maybe, what I learned can help someone else out there. Even if it’s just one person. So here goes…
I love my job. I genuinely, honestly do. I am so fortunate to work in an emerging field where we are pioneering what’s to come. I also love the people I work with and the clients we work for. They are all incredibly smart and literally the hardest workers I know. With that being said, this week was one of the most intense work events of my life. The tally thus far is 92 hours of pure high-energy exertion for the week (not counting my two and a half hour commute each day). I know that our hard work is definitely evident in the results and I couldn’t be more proud of them and the team. However, when I flew home from LA yesterday, I continued to work and have a glass of wine. I got thoroughly buzzed off of one glass and was so tired I couldn’t sleep. How is that possible?!
Despite my exhaustion, I naively decided to go for my long run Monday morning. I hadn’t been able to run for four days because of my work week and running is my sanity. It calms me, let’s me think, and rejuvenates my soul (cheesy, I know. But true). Thankfully, I had made earlier commitments to meet Katie for my long run that morning, so that promise was enough to get my exhausted ass out of bed. I could feel that I was beyond tired, but I just wanted to get out there.
We started off with eight miles against the wind and chatting away. I could immediately feel my body saying, “WTF, Page. Give it a rest.” But I pushed on. At the half-way point, we randomly ran into my other friend Corinne and decided to join in on her run (which was a great change of scenery). After running with Corinne, we also met up with the always witty Tiffany and Angel, both friends I met through my local running club, Forward Motion. At this point, I could feel the lead in my legs making themselves at home.
As a runner, it’s so easy to ignore those signs and push through them, because most of the time, we should. Other times, we get confused with what is legitimately our bodies telling ourselves to calm the F down and just rest. Regardless, I wanted to run so I insisted despite how much lethargy I pretended to avoid.
At about 14 miles in to our 16 mile jaunt, the sun was beaming, I was one Gu in and I felt my stomach and lungs filling with something. It wasn’t food, mucus, bile, or anything that one would normally associate with over exertion. This feeling soon became overwhelming and I felt like I was going to puke – but what? Not food. No, no, it didn’t feel like that. It soon rose into my throat as if I was drowning in my own body. Finding the words to accurately describe this experience is quite difficult, but whatever it was, it consumed me. I thought I could push through, but I had to stop. With just a mile and a half to the finish, I bent over and I could feel my eyes welling up.
I could hear Katie and Corinne in the background in the background saying, “Oh no, oh no.” Tiffany and Angel stopped. I bent over with my hands on my knees waiting for puke, water, anything to come out. Get out! Get out! I insisted that Angel, Tiffany and Corinne go ahead as Katie stayed back with me. Too embarrassed to do it in front of anyone else, the only thing that came out was…tears.
Like that, I just cried because I was 110 percent purely exhausted. All I wanted was to run, but my body was completely drained. Physically. Mentally. Everything.
Katie, being the ultimate pep-talker, listed to me rant and rave about the things that I dream of for my life and how I just don’t want to be this tired anymore. I cried and we walked about a half mile more and soon picked back up a slow jog with the group and finished our run in the rising heat of Danville.
I’d like to say that I know what happened out there and have an ideal solution for it. But I can’t because I don’t. All I can say is that balance is a difficult struggle that I am still trying to figure out. Big dreams require work, but how do you balance that with your passions? At that moment, I was beyond tired and at a new state of a breakdown. Is this what pure exhaustion feels like? Was it something else? What do I do? How do people manage this, especially with kids?! For now, crying helps me get it out and usually after I do, I feel better. Then again, running is also what usually helps me deal.
What I do know is this: I thrive off of hard work and the results that come with it. That will never change. But I want to do big things beyond running and working, and I’ll need to push through. I’m not sure how yet, but I’ll learn to deal and find the balance because as we all know, “It’s not what happens to you, but how you handle it.” Plus, it’s just one bad run. One bad run in a world of much, much larger issues is nothing. Come on, Page. Get with it. I’ll rest, refocus and move on.
I’ll consider this a lesson in slowing down when necessary, cherishing rest and being thankful that I have an amazing job, I’m healthy, I have two feet that can carry me for miles, and some of the best friends and family a gal could ask for. All in all, life is good and I’m a very, very lucky girl.
Happy Running
I’m so sorry you had a bad run. I know how exhaustion can just creep up on you. Its hard to slow down sometimes and rest when you want to do everything and more, I can definitely sympathize.
Hope you get some rest and feel better.
I definitely know how that goes – I had a similar week of work and was completely drained and exhausted by the time the week ended. My long run was much shorter than yours, but I definitely know how you feel! (And how hot Danville can be… I grew up there!)
Hope you were able to get some rest this weekend, (and some wine and chocolate!) and feel better!
Your honesty is what is inspiring. Feel better. I do not do well with crying and some times forget you just need a real good one some times. Hang in there and hope you start to feel better soon!!!!
Way to recognize the perspective in your situation. Take care of yourself and your body will pay you back in miles…and miles….:)
ahhhh. I hope you are feeling better! Although honestly, it was great to read this post. I totally relate to your saying that big dreams require hard work, but sometimes we can’t push through everything. Anyways, thanks for the post :).
I love this post! We have similar jobs (I think- I work in advertising) and similar commutes (1hour + each way)… but I admire your ability to run so well in these situations. I feel like I’ve gone through that feeling so I definitely know it, but I do wish I had the ability to push my body through the exhaustion like you can! Goals for the future : )
Hang in there chica. You will get through it. Thank you for sharing 🙂 You are so strong!
Good for you for still getting out there and banging out 16 miles.. usually when I hit that point of just utter mental exhaustion, I crawl under a rock, stay in my PJs all day and wallow.. generally watching a sappy chic flick just to make sure all the tears come out. And I’ll usually eat ice cream or a cupcake or both just for a little extra wallow-y-ness. And then I usually feel better and more myself =)
Thank you for this post. I love the honesty and the raw-ness of it. I hope you find your balance and get some rest too 🙂
Sorry to hear about your episode but we’ve all had them! Ive had them when things are serious, like when I was laid off, or just overwhelmed with life. It feels better to get out and over with though.
I’ve had these weeks and know exactly the feeling you’re talking about. I also thrive on working hard and getting results, and have had to teach myself how to step back from that where I can to find that balance. Sending you lots of good vibes – you’ll figure it out and the run today is an important part of that.
Amazing. Keep doing your thing Page. Listen to your body and know that you are strong.
Ahh, yes. I can relate – I had one of these days on Wednesday where I just broke down and started crying after receiving a flurry of office emails on a day I was supposed to be off, visiting my family. We’re ambitious, hard-working women. We try to do a lot, we strive for great things, and it’s not always easy to know when it’s time to back off and when we need to push through. Sometimes we all need a reminder to slow down. I’m glad you posted this – it can be cathartic to write it all out. I hope your upcoming week is less stressful!
Unlike a lot of the other commenters here, I cannot relate.
I am a selfish person who values my outside-of-work life MUCH much more than my work life (which is not to say I don’t have a great job — I do — I would resent having to clock in time no matter what my job was just by nature of my craving for independence). Because of this selfish-ness, the first moment that a job made it so I could not run for a full week, or made me so tired that I cried, or made me clock in 80 hours a week more than just a rare-one-time-thing….I would have to leave. I’m positive about that. life is too short, and unless you’re the President of something major, jobs are pretty unimportant in the greater context of the world. I know the world would be fine with one less lawyer (me).
I think it’s much more bold to say FUCK IT to the rat race, and to prioritize doing the things you love with those that you love, than to prove you can be another non-stop worker in a suit.
Long time reader, never commentator. But I just wanted to seng you big hugs and positive thoughts. I’ve had a similar experience, I think its hard to know when to stop, when running is your release. I hope your feeling better now and get some good rest. No one has it all figured out, but you will find a balance, it will happen, its trial and error, like all things in life.
I think it’s really brave to share your experience. Please remember that resting is one of the greatest forms of self care. I constantly wonder how to get in the things I want to get done in the day (running) and the things that have to get done (school work and my job). It is really challenging to know how to balance all of this. I always remind myself of the Robert Frost quote: “The best way out is through.” Sometimes you just need to be exactly where you are: which is exhausted and crying during the middle of a run, and that is OK because the only way to get out of that place is to be in it in the first place. Take care of yourself!
hey page, you’re a rockstar. not because you ran 16 miles today, but because you’re being honest with yourself and coming to terms with this stuff. it’s hard to accept that we need to give ourselves a HUGE break sometimes when we’re used to doing the opposite, but burning the candle at both ends inevitably means it goes out. you’re amazing and i hope you give yourself the rest and the credit you deserve. xoxo
I totally agree!! *hugs to you, Page*
A little over a year ago I had a job that took me to Europe for almost a month. Long hours, away from family, running was tough to come by. Needless to say, I broke down too. One of my best running friends said something that got me through that period and I use today (especially since I have a family and 2 kids!) “Go With The Flow”. That is my mantra when ‘life happens’. You kick ass, and will continue, but remember, ‘go with the flow’….
I’m sorry – that sounds awful! I’ve felt exhausted to where it makes me emotionally irrational, but never physical like that. But I’ve also never worked 80+ hours in a week! Hopefully you will be rewarded with some time off or shorter days to rest.
Thank you for being honest and posting this! I mean this with no negativity, but it’s nice to hear sometimes that other people struggle trying to do it all. Take care of yourself.
Oh, Page! I can totally understand this & I hope things calm down soon. 🙁 And, I also remember having a very, very similar run with Katie back in June where I just started bawling because of everything going on… She’s such a good friend & she’s the best listener ever. 🙂 I’m glad she was there with you this weekend. Now, go rest. 🙂
I completely appreciate how honest you are, and yeah it might seem like a small problem considering the fact that you have a job and are able to run and everything, but don’t discount your feelings! It’s completely normal, especially considering just how much stuff you’ve had going on lately!
Sorry to hear that this happened. I’m glad someone was around when it happened, because you never know how the body is going to react from something like this. It sounds like your body is just overtired and needs a break from activity. This post is exactly why I’m not sure I could ever do a spring marathon, because during some tax seasons I work some weeks that are around the hours that you put in, and the thought of running in addition to working that much just doesn’t seem possible to me. When I work a lot of hours, my emotions are frayed too, so it doesn’t surprise me that the emotion came out on a run.
I guess I would try to dial back the running for a bit until your work hours calm down, then maybe your body will be better prepared to both work and run. Good luck!
Oh man – I’ve been there, several times. Did I ever tell you about the time that I broke down sobbing tears in the middle of yoga class during? As I struggled aggressively to master a pose, the teacher said, “Stop trying so hard. You don’t have to do everything perfectly.” and that did it. Because that was what I was desperately trying to do at work, in my relationships, everywhere. I fell apart, we’re talking “ugly crying” in front of the whole class of yogies. Oh yeah, that was lovely.
This post is such a good reminder for me, on where my priorities should be. Thanks for your honesty, honey.
First of all, I hope you got some much deserved rest yesterday and are feeling better today! Secondly- I know you didn’t “feel” good doing it, but you still rocked that run!! It’s hard to balance all the things we want to do in life and running up against a brick wall is sometimes just what we need to reset our priorities and refocus our energies.
Praying for a less stressful week, more time to enjoy newlywed life, and GREAT runs!! 🙂
I’m so sorry to hear about your crazy week! It’s definitely hard to find the right balance between everything, especially when there’s so much you want to do. And it’s even harder during those times when work commitments have to be addressed immediately. Good luck!
Just sending a big hug your way. That’s all.
Ok this is your mom speaking….
Your my hero in more ways then you’ll ever know. Listen to your body, to your heart and your spirit….you’ll find the balance to keep you happy and healthy. I love ya Page.
Just look at all the things you’ve been through lately—some pretty major life events, including the high of running Boston this year. No one can handle it all. I personally know how much stress from work carries over into other things, too, even when you love your job. Focus on the things you absolutely NEED to focus on, and then everything else will fall into place. You’re a strong woman, but no one has to be that strong all the time, you know? Here’s hoping that things settle down a bit for you and that you start feeling better. Hang in there!