I’d like to interrupt the regularly scheduled programming to urge you to join a very, very important movement. A movement so embedded within our cultural norm that we too often overlook the great value, memories, and warm hug that it gives our nation.
Please, join me in petitioning to change the month of November to Pumpkinember.
The very essence of this movement is to recognize a winter staple of our country and honor the fact that for centuries, pumpkin has battled the criminal reign that fruitcake has stolen during the holiday season. Despite fruitcake, gingerbread and other sugary holiday tyrannies, pumpkin has persevered and continues to provide the superior holiday flavor. It’s blue collar, white collar, the everyman’s holiday flavor of choice. Its cinnamon and cloves are 99% amazing, so delectable in fact that even the other 1% can’t ignore it.
Not to worry, this movement is safe, you don’t need to sleep in a tent for it, it won’t stink up public parks, and we have actionable demands:
- Refuse to let fruitcake’s regime trick people into thinking it’s actually consumable.
- Consume as much pumpkin pie, pumpkin bagels, pumpkin break, pumpkin anything as possible.
- Enjoy every bite.
- Lather, rise, repeat.
- Oh, and change November to Pumpkinember. Seriously, not too much to ask.