This Is Who I Am.

When a good friend and someone I respect posted this comment, it hit me like a rock.

Believe

I’ve been feeling this in my gut for a while and as soon as someone was brave enough to call it out to me, it’s like the fear of admitting it was completely lifted. Allow me to kick-up my feet, lounge across your therapist chair, and pour my heart out for a moment.

It’s no secret that I’m type A, as are most people in endurance sports.

I put an intense amount of self-imposed pressure on myself to perform at a certain level, both personally and professionally.

I am extremely competitive – not with other people though, but with myself.

At times I am my own worst enemy.

I’m terrified of failure.

After writing that all down, it would appear as if I am a recipe for disaster and it’s easy to see why I always let pre-race doubt get in the way.

When I toe the start line of every race, I almost never have that pep talk with myself. I never find myself repeating motivational mantras that would help bring my secret dreams to fruition. Instead, I’m usually a bundle of nerves just anticipating how my body is going to react. What do I think this is, some crap shoot?

But then something funny happens. As soon as the gun goes off, I just run. All of my doubt evades me because I am 100 percent consumed in the thing that I love most. I feel my heart pumping and my legs moving, both taking on lives of their own. As I continue to get completely lost in everything I love about racing and running, the one phrase that comes back to me every single race for as long as I can remember is:

This is who I am.

Five words that bring a sense of assurance that I only get when I’m running.

As a girl with so many personal and professional questions about the future, it’s in running that I am completely myself and simply…happy. I need to remember this feeling and believe in it and myself, because when I do is when I’ll reach my full potential.

Train hard. Believe in myself. Get pumped. Lay it all on the line. And most importantly, don’t be afraid to fail because if I do (and I will), it’s when I pick myself back up when I know I’ll grow the most.

So from this moment forward, I don’t want anything to do with doubt. This is who I am and this is who I want to be, and I know I’ll never get there if I keep holding myself back.

Here’s to breaking 1:30, completing an Ironman, and someday, breaking 3 hours (I can’t believe I just said that out loud).

Happy Running.

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35 Responses to This Is Who I Am.

  1. Love this! It is similar to a post I wrote last night! You’ve got this :)

  2. Ali says:

    Ohhh potentially a new favorite Page post. You ARE amazing and capable of so much. Let me know which of the aforementioned events of badassery you would like a professional cheering squad for and I am ALL OVER IT. Also, just added this post to my Must Reads list. Big fan. Big big fan. Of the post, and just of you in general.

  3. Celia says:

    Love this post and indentify with so much of what you said in it! :)

  4. Alyssa says:

    YES!! I had this SAME realization just weeks before CIM last year, and it’s amazing what a little self-esteem can do. I just have to keep reminding myself that no one will hate me if I fail… all it means is that I tried, I learned, and I’ll try again. There is no shame in not making a goal, but a lot of shame in not even trying to make a reasonable one! (Did that make sense??) Here’s to many more great leaps and strides and an awesome 2012.

  5. Jennifer says:

    I think you just wrote thoughts that should have came out of my head….besides the last sentence..I’m MUCH slower than you:) This is a fantastic post and one that I need to bookmark and read numerous times to remind myself. I admire your hard work, dedication and super speedy times!

  6. XLMIC says:

    It really is all going to happen for you. Talent + hard work = superfast Page. Believe :)

  7. Kimra says:

    It’s awesome that despite being afraid to fail, you haven’t actually let that get in the way of racing — I need a little of that mojo! You already kick ass, but super-confident Page is going to be *fierce*.

  8. abbi says:

    Quite possibly the best post ever! And, yes, I think you’ll achieve all of those!

  9. Christie says:

    This is by far my favorite post of yours.
    ‘As soon as the gun goes off, I just run. All of my doubt evades me because I am 100 percent consumed in the thing that I love most.’
    This is who I am.
    LOVELOVELOVE that part. I feel like a total different person when I am running.

  10. Corey says:

    Great post! Hopefully you take that same sense of confidence into your Ironman training…you seem to doubt yourself so much on the bike and in the pool, yet when you post your splits and speed, I am continually impressed at how a self-professed newbie is putting out such great workouts! Just think as you get stronger and stronger how much you will improve on an already impressive starting point!

    –Also…I never really thought about how many endurance athletes I know (including myself) are Type A! It so true!

  11. Allison says:

    Great post, Page! The more serious I get about running, the more I realize how hard the mental part of it is! Congrats on your new attitude and here’s to many more successful races.

  12. New-ish reader here and well, reading that just proves that you ARE amazing. Gotta put it out there. Here’s to the power of believing in yourself. You got it.

  13. Monika says:

    You should read Macca’s book I’m Here to Win to help you with race confidence. I loved the book and thought a lot about his ‘winsights’ while training for and running my last marathon.. and FINALLY PR’ing. ugh. Funny, but I recommended the book to a good friend of mine and she was like well, the book is okay. He’s so type A, no wonder you loved it, he’s like you. :oP Well then.. haha

    I think you’re kick ass. Maybe with Macca in your brain you’ll know that going into a race and then I can be like “Oh professional Ironman Triathlete Page? Yeah I know her…” ;o)

  14. danica says:

    I’m glad she said that to you because it’s true! You are fast, you are a great runner and you ALWAYS do well at races. Remember that sometimes it’s not about the time at the end, and can be about the journey that got you there my friend. :) Our ‘failures’ are just learning lessons. I love your honesty and voice throughout this post and know you will succeed in what you plan to achieve because you are a hard worker!

  15. Rena says:

    I love this post! It’s so inspirational. Hells yeah you can do it!

  16. This post was incredible.

    Just a suggestion: as a side hobby or whatnot — have you considered being a coach? I’m dead serious.

  17. Angelina Roberts says:

    I love your blog but this was without a doubt my FAVORITE POST EVER! I think because it resonates so strongly with me. I doubt myself so much and all the time. I also have many of your same goals.. I want to break 1.30 this year, would love to do an Ironman someday (my first triathlon is in June) and have yet to admit outloud that I want to break 3 hrs. Good luck in all your goals – you’re an incredible athlete. I have no doubt you’ll accomplish them!

  18. Veronika says:

    Love this post.

  19. Rebecca B. says:

    Oh, Page! This post brought me such relief because a day later after I made that comment I felt bad because I was afraid it was too honest. :) I just believe in you and love your drive sooo much. Love, love, love it. And that comment came from a place of self-projection too – I think all of us A types doubt ourselves too much.

    Keep up the running, because I know that the peace you find during your runs is what propels you into the success that you see in all other aspects of your life. You are destined to be a powerfully positive impact on everything you touch, and you are a blessing to all of us who get to be inspired by you ever day.

  20. The mental barrier in running is SO huge, and being able to pass that, even if it’s ONLY when toeing the line is awesome.

  21. Jojo says:

    You’re friend Rebecca is very wise! :-) you are so strong, powerful, and talented. For as long as you love it and give your whole heart to it, you’ll excel at running. We’ve all got doubts and fears, but I know you’re going to achieve every one of those goals you set. Thanks for the inspiration!

  22. Meggie says:

    Love this post! I can’t write anything better than what has already been written in the comments, but suffice it to say I agree with the above people!

    I recently read something about caring about an outcome, but not getting to attached to it — sometimes when I let go and just focus on giving 100% of what I have on that particular day, it helps me not get so nervous/terrified.

    You’re super talented. Don’t put limits on yourself!

  23. Nicole says:

    You go girl! I literally JUST wrote my Half Ironman strategy and goals and I was too afraid to admit my real goal is to break 6 hours! I was too afraid to write it and fail. Then I read your blog and realized I should have just said it! Setting goals will only make you stronger, even if you don’t achieve them on the first try.

    Can’t wait to continue following your journey and watch you demolish those goals !

  24. Nelly says:

    Well, having some doubt about doing triathlon style races is definitely okay, since it seems like you hadn’t done races like that in a long time. Maybe it’s a trend across blogs I read, since a lot of people seem to underestimate what they can do. I even do it occasionally. You are a tremendous athlete, and always seem to be one of the fastest people on the race course no matter what race you are doing. You seem to succeed at everything you try.

    For every race I do, I just try to do whatever I have in the tank that day. If I fail, then so be it. The only time it really hurt me to fail was in high school cross country when I had the worst race of my life (will likely stand as my worst race ever) at league finals. I felt like I let my team and myself down. I am not a professional athlete, so if I implode and have a bad race now, so be it. Only person affected is me, and I gave it my best shot that day. And that is all you can do I think.

  25. I can’t even tell you how much I love this post. :D

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  27. Houston Runner says:

    I’m glad someone finally woke you up. Every time I read your progress, I think you’re a bad ass! (Old school term, but hey, I’m old school.) It’s time to shift you’re thinking. It’s okay to pat yourself on the back. When you work hard, as you do, you deserve to celebrate what you’ve accomplished. Also, if/when you do fail, it’s not that big of a fall because you recognize that you were there once, so you’ll be there again. It’s awesome to see you grow through this process. Thanks for this post.

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