I regret to inform you that while your early arrival may appear to be a blessing to some, it is in fact, an inconvenience in my quest to successful athletic endeavors. Your presence is deceitful as I find myself rejoicing in your potential, but by the end, I have melted into my own physical demise and I am cursing your name.
This weekend was a prime example of why I will only be able to handle large doses of you periodically. I had 56 miles on tap, an amount that is no longer daunting but now welcome and gleefully anticipated. I met up with a new cycling group at 8 a.m., wearing cycling shorts, a tank top jersey and what felt like a gallon of eight hour sunscreen. Within a matter of minutes I realized that your prowess would be challenging and the forecasted temps of 104 degrees would surely be painful.
Documented proof of your tyranny.
Needless to say, the ride was hilly, hot and wreaked havoc on my heat tolerance. I quickly went through three water bottles filled with CarboPro and electrolytes and by mile 45, with only 11 miles to go, my mouth was chalky, the sweat was profuse, and I was verbally bashing your evil ways. I don’t know how you do it (well, actually I do), but your ability to literally squeeze people for all that they’re worth and leave their remnants melting on the pavement is baffling and unwelcome.
Once you have committed your brutal ways, I am left with scars of punishment, including the always-glamorous bike tans lines, or as I was recently informed, sun socks. You mock me with these permanent impressions and then I continue to get mocked by fellow humans when in a bathing suit.
So today, I am offering you a deal. Together, we will position you in a role of power. But unlike the power that you’re used to blindly thrashing upon us, this new role will be a welcome one for all mankind. Perhaps this is a generalization, but trust me on this one, it will behoove us all. From this day forward, I propose that you only blast us with temperatures above 100 degrees when you can guarantee at least one of the following: A) immediate access to a pool, ocean, river, or lake, complete with an inflatable alligator B) PG&E providing free air-conditioning, C) any type of adult drink accompanied by a wedge of pineapple or an umbrella.
These asks are a small price to pay and in return, the people will rejoice, frolic in the streets and will surely be chanting your name. I can hear it now, “SUMMMMMER! SUMMMMMER!” Shhhh, listen closely, you can hear it already. Feels good, doesn’t it?
With this, I thank you for your time and consideration – I look forward to my frilly drink.
Page and every other athlete who has ever suffered through summer training