Who are we kidding? I’ve never tried Internet dating. I started dating Chicken Face in college and the closest thing that people of my age were doing at that time was creeping photos of guys via MySpace or perusing the collection of questionable characters on HotorNot.com.
But, BUT, if I can leverage all of the gut-wrenching/awe-inducing stories I’ve heard from the Internet dating archives, I’m pretty sure I can make an adequate assumption (but then again, we all know what that does). Truth be told, making friends in new cities can be a seemingly daunting task.
So let’s review this Internet friend dating best-case scenario, shall we?
Step 1: Real-life friend in home state introduces you to potential new friend in new state, online. After the first introduction, the conversation either stops dead in its tracks or the lurking continues. You creep, they wink (or whatever other functionality your site may have), you both message each other enough times until you realize that they have a fully functioning brain and/or you won’t get murdered. Check.
Step 2: Exchange phone numbers. You still haven’t actually spoken in person, but default to text messaging. If they hear you talk, they might notice how completely awkward this is in your voice. Stick with text…one step at a time.
Step 3: To emoticon or not to emoticon? This is a big determining factor: are they an emoticon abuser too? If so, let the emoticons rain down in all of their emoji glory! If not, put on your big kid pants and pretend like you are a mature adult who scoffs at such child-like behavior. I’m a professional, dammit!
Step 4: Agree to meet. Ok, we’ve moved to the big leagues now, folks. What are you going to do? What are you going to wear? What if you have nothing to talk about? What if you stumble your own words and seem incapable of any form of intelligent conversation? Then you remember, “F it. This is who I am. Stupid jokes, awkward sentence structure and all.” Then let them plan what to do.
Step 5: Meet. If you’re a hugger, just go in for the hug. But after that…just try and be you. Your gut will tell you what to do.
Step 6: Evaluate. If you didn’t get the “oh we could be friends” vibe, well then this blog post is dead right here. If you did, your evaluation and over-analyzation will likely commence here. Questions will range from personality compatibility to ease of conversation. If all things are positive, you’ll get home and wonder if there will be hangout number two. Don’t laugh…remember…you know NO ONE here and could really use a gal pal.
Step 7: Confirmation. You either text immediately or await a confirmation text. BING! It’s in and you share abbreviated English and poor grammar texts about politics and religion…oh wait, no, it’s just more emoticons. You like it already. Then you plan hang out number two. Then three. Then four. Now five.
Step 8: Hope. Hope that your new friend doesn’t think you’re completely psycho for writing this blog post. See you at yoga in an hour, friend!
Thank you to everyone for being so extremely nice and welcoming as I made the move to Portland. Honestly, what would we do without Internet –> IRL friends?
Anyone else have great Internet BFF or moving to a new city stories?